My Turn: The invisible man

By Janetta Lumpkin-Bradley

"Life without a father can be a pretty crappy hand to be dealt. It is definitely not the worst, but it isn't easy either. There are many struggles that can arise. A father is there to provide security, guidance, support, and so much more." --From Consistently B., a Web site for children growing up without fathers

A mother means the world to a child, but a mother can only do so much. Growing up without a father leaves a huge hole in a girl's or boy's heart and can make them turn to the streets for attention. Much of the violence and problems that occur on Chicago's South Side escalate because of the lack of father figures.

It is not uncommon for some teachers, employees, friends and families to stereotype children without fathers, expecting the worst. However, that is not true; children who grow up without father figures are filled with grief and anger running through their veins.

Problems occur everyday on the South Side of Chicago: Imagine a 12-year-old boy in a gang selling drugs on the corner or boys at school fighting and robbing people. Close your eyes and picture the gang. Its purpose is to protect and lead one another to be men. But it's their grief and anger that lead them to negative behavior. Without a father in a boy's life, that's the only behavior he can turn to. Yes, any adult male can take a father's role; a teacher, mentor or friend. But a child knows who is his or her father. If he is not there when a child really needs him, the child will replace the hole in the heart with a master on the streets -- someone to look up to.

I can say life without a father is difficult. At age 12, I had my father in my life for a time before he suddenly disappeared. I didn't see him for years. There were things my mother couldn't do because she worked two jobs to provide for our family. My father was not around, so where do you think I went to find support and attention? The streets.

I spent time on party lines (chat rooms) looking, searching for an older male to show me the love, attention and security I couldn't find in my father. All the anger and grief inside had led me to run away several times, not caring about anything, crying and trying all the time to have a baby at an young age just to see what it feels like to love your child and not ever treat my baby like I was raised and treated. Sitting in washrooms on the floor pulling my hair, eyes blood-shot, face filled with tears. My mind was divided: Half of me wished to disappear off the Earth and the other half wanted to pray and make it through. But who did I have to guide me, protect and truly love me? Who did I really have to trust?

I love school and love to work hard. I like to be organized and smart. But I'm a child who goes to school with no smile. My heart is broken into pieces. At one time, because I felt that no one cared, I had to take care of myself. I developed bad habits to make money just to provide for basic needs. Talking to older men, I was looking for love and attention but all I noticed in them was lust. I didn't have the ability to walk away, so I continued my behavior and to accept the things men did to me. They were my father replacements. I may never have a husband because I think all men are the same. I don't know when a good male is in my presence because of my past. All these struggles are distractions from my getting an education. I have been tempted to drop out or have a baby.

I'm 16 now and about three years ago I was a runaway. During my runaway days, I was sexually assaulted, raped and got into altercations with much older females. Then I would come home and deal with my mother's boyfriend picking arguments with me.

I have experienced things no child should ever experience. I have put my life in danger, making mistakes that jeopardized my dreams. There were times when I so angry and upset that I displayed negative behavior. I would spend time sitting in hospitals, the doctor's office, the principal's office, police stations. My mother was there for me but never my father.

I believe in second chances, so at one point I decided to forgive my father. But after I thought about it, I became angry again.

How is my father going to try to discipline me now? When I needed him the most he wasn't there. How is he going to be demanding, speak in harsh tones, but can not provide for my education and other necessities? How can he step up now? How is he going to be a father after he tells his first daughter he wishes she hadn't been born? Whether the gun was loaded or not, after a family fight how can he try to be a father after putting a gun up to me.

Just writing this makes me angry. My father has me messed up trying to be a father now, but when I needed him he wasn't there. That's the kind of anger that builds up in a child without a father.

At one time we had a good father and daughter relationship and I noticed how I reacted toward older men. I had begun to tell older guys my real age, tell my parents the truth and no guy could influence me to do anything. I had even started to regain my self-esteem. But that all changed.

A child can go through so much in life without a father; give up on life, end up dead or in jail. I've done many negative things in my life but I don't regret any of it because it has made me who I am. I have learned from my mistakes. Now, I can talk to other young girls who are or were going through the same problems but can't seek help. I have a gift, a voice and it's all because of my past. After every danger zone I was in I'm still standing and have survived my hard times and struggles all alone.

In a strange way, I thank my father for not being there. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have had the experiences that now protect me from danger on the streets.

There is one thing I regret: I lost my virginity at a very young age to an older guy and didn't understand what it meant. I wish I had kept it and saved it for a special person. Now, I have the maturity to say, I was "young and dumb" and I was trying to be "grown but didn't know how."

I thought I wasn't going to graduate from the 8th grade but I made it across the stage with hope. I am in my junior year of high school, making straight A's. I am an honor roll student, taking advance classes. I am also enrolled in a two-year nursing program and determined to graduate senior year with my LPN license.

I knew I was living for something. For now I can say, "I made it." Education comes first; I learned that. So what if I don't have a father in my life. I made it this far. I have been through hell and back. That's how my life has been without a father.